I've been procrastinating this entry for a month now, and on this Saturday night, I've finally found the words to my thoughts. I've come to the conclusion- that I want the world in my hands... always. Wherever I seem to be, I dream of another place. Restless soul? I'd say.
Something that has definitely stuck out, is the amount of accomplishments I've had in such a small amount of time. I don't think I've fully comprehended it, but I'm starting to, as I'm officially clueless on what's next for me. I like the idea of having a life agenda; working towards goals, achieving the unimaginable, and going beyond my boundaries. Calgary is cool. I think I've dealt with the changes pretty good, and the longer I've been here, the more I've realized what my deepest desires truly were in the midst of my city life chaos. Good chaos (might I add)
Throughout this whole journey and process, tonight my thoughts brought me back to my deepest reflection yet, and I'm not my full creative, stimulated self anymore. There was something about Toronto that fed me. I think what I loved the most, was that I could be whoever the fuck I wanted- whenever the fuck I wanted. Every single dream, vision, or idea, always had the potential to be a reality. And I loved that. I'll never forget every morning, waking up to a new day, and seeing myself walking the streets of Europe, or NYC. I don't exactly know what happened last year, but I do strongly believe that...
A. As much as I made myself ready and acted ready, emotionally I was not.
B. I made a multitude of emotional decisions in a short amount of time. ( NEVER again)
I know I'm back where it all started for me, for a reason. But some days are fucking difficult, to the point where I tempt myself in going back- within the month. But, I'm done with making rash decisions, and I know I need to sit in this for a while. I'm almost certain that this won't be my landing spot, as I'm already creatively crumbling, but I'm scoping out what is next. Everyday I wake up remembering my mornings in the city, wandering the streets of downtown with a mind full of curiosity. I cannot wait for the moment to be back again- to feel it all, and to have the answers.
I just don't know if I'll be able to let it all go.
I think my mind needs to slow down. All of a sudden I feel this tremendous amount of anxiety about my career and life and I am trying to figure out how to deal. Yesterday, a nice big ass cup of reality hit me... and I think for the first time I realized that I am no longer part of the Toronto bubble anymore. I haven't felt that much weight pressed against me in such a long time. It's hard, because on one hand I am so incredibly thankful for the balance of family and friends that I've been longing to have again, but on the other hand, I am beyond displaced in this city. I'm not quite sure yet what my duty is, and I hate not knowing. The past two years have been mapped out by me, and I've always been able to see what lies ahead, and know what opportunities to grasp with both hands. Whereas here, I don't exactly know what or which route to take? Not to mention, but there is much limited opportunities here, than anywhere else. Am I stubborn? Of course! And maybe I need to realize or change my thinking, so that I stop comparing everything to a city that Calgary may not ever be? Or! Maybe I just don't choose to settle, and do things my way. Meaning, I start my own business, and bring what I've learned in Toronto to Calgary. I know I need to enjoy the process and trust, but I like things done in "snaps", and maybe that is my lesson right there? I once was always on my own, and my independence was my key to success. Toronto gave me the wisdom to know what the real world is really all about, how to be alone, and make it on your own. Calling your own shots is one of the most liberating things you can possibly do in life. No fear- just moving forward, not giving a shit what anybody thinks. Doing what you have to do, always. I think the hard part for me now, is understanding why it happened, and letting it go or allowing it to be my roots.