Thursday, November 4, 2010

Sometimes I wonder if my expectations are set too high. I can never just be these days. Always on the run, always out to find that something. But I worry that I am only running in a circle. I have dreamt of having this life for quite some time. Living out in the big world on my own, doing things my way, living fabulously, and doing the unthinkable. When I vision myself, I see Paris, I see being the classic European fashionista, riding vespas in 4 inch heels, drinking expresso every morning, going to amazing parties, doing hair for fabulous people and Fashion Shows, and just being a legend at what I do. I never wanted to settle down like most people, I could never see me wanting that "white picket fence" lifestyle. I have learned that I like things fast. I love to marvel over things most don't, and I used to never look back at all. I think because my world has slowed down at a rapid pace these past weeks, I have taken the time to sit with the things that have occured in the years.. the changes I have went through.. the struggles.. and the achievements. At the end of the day, were all just humans, swimming in this world, and it brings me to question, do I want to give up most things, for this? This city is wonderful, and I don't have any regrets, but I fight the constant battle of missing those who I used to be closer to, and reflect on how much change I have went through. With circumstances lately, I can't help myself but feel that I have thrown myself to the wolves too soon. I have faith in myself, and I know from every hard point.. leads to a positive one, but it can be difficult. I am meeting a lot of wonderful people along the way, and this ride is thrilling, yet scary. Its funny how fearless we can be, and then all of a sudden become so terrified of the unknown. Its like I am almost fearing taking the plunge. I know I need to put the ego aside, and believe in myself, but its intimidating to say the least.

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