Saturday, January 5, 2013

for the way I was.

I've been procrastinating this entry for a month now, and on this Saturday night, I've finally found the words to my thoughts. I've come to the conclusion- that I want the world in my hands... always. Wherever I seem to be, I dream of another place. Restless soul? I'd say. 
Something that has definitely stuck out, is the amount of accomplishments I've had in such a small amount of time. I don't think I've fully comprehended it, but I'm starting to, as I'm officially clueless on what's next for me. I like the idea of having a life agenda; working towards goals, achieving the unimaginable, and going beyond my boundaries. Calgary is cool. I think I've dealt with the changes pretty good, and the longer I've been here, the more I've realized what my deepest desires truly were in the midst of my city life chaos. Good chaos (might I add) 

But...
Throughout this whole journey and process, tonight my thoughts brought me back to my deepest reflection yet, and I'm not my full creative, stimulated self anymore. There was something about Toronto that fed me. I think what I loved the most, was that I could be whoever the fuck I wanted- whenever the fuck I wanted. Every single dream, vision, or idea, always had the potential to be a reality. And I loved that. I'll never forget every morning, waking up to a new day, and seeing myself walking the streets of Europe, or NYC. I don't exactly know what happened last year, but I do strongly believe that...

A. As much as I made myself ready and acted ready, emotionally I was not.

B. I made a multitude of emotional decisions in a short amount of time. ( NEVER again)

I know I'm back where it all started for me, for a reason. But some days are fucking difficult, to the point where I tempt myself in going back- within the month. But, I'm done with making rash decisions, and I know I need to sit in this for a while. I'm almost certain that this won't be my landing spot, as I'm already creatively crumbling, but I'm scoping out what is next. Everyday I wake up remembering my mornings in the city, wandering the streets of downtown with a mind full of curiosity. I cannot wait for the moment to be back again- to feel it all, and to have the answers. 
I just don't know if I'll be able to let it all go. 
x.